The Unique Approach to Swan Conservation
Welcome to our (mock) animal conservation page, where we are (not) dedicated to preserving swans in a rather unconventional way – by donating bags of frozen peas to swans in your area. This may sound strange, because it is.
Upon receiving your pea bag, you won’t actually be sent a photo of your ‘adopted’ swan, their name, or a brief bio scrawled with a swan feather. But don’t worry, we will still make a difference in our own unique way! By doing absolutely nothing!
The Story Behind the Peas
Why frozen peas, you may ask? Well, swans are herbivores and peas happen to be one of their favorite treats. Feeding them peas not only provides them with a nutritious snack, but also helps give swans the energy they need to slowly dominate the extremely underwhelming New England states.
Participating in our unique swan conservation program is simple. Give the swan some peas yourself, lazybones. Don’t send me frozen peas.
Don’t even THINK about sending me bread or cooked spaghetti, either. Swan Jesus didn’t give swans the ability to eat carbs; it goes straight to their tiny swan thighs.
Once you have found a suitable location, take a handful of peas and gently toss (DO NOT CURVE OR FASTBALL PEAS AT SWANS) them towards the swans. Be sure not to get too close or disturb their natural habitat. You might literally die. Observe from a safe distance and enjoy watching the swans indulge in their pea feast with binoculars, or possibly Galilean opera glasses.
Spread the Word, Evangelically
While our approach to swan conservation may be unconventional, it is a great way to engage with the community and raise awareness about these magnificent creatures. We (don’t) encourage you to share your experiences with every single one of your neighbors, knocking six times with force, and screaming the hashtag #PEAceForSwans before sprinting to the next house, so that others can learn about this unique bird-beast and its insatiable pea bloodlust.
Remember, every bag of peas donated and every pea tossed towards the swans makes a difference, probably. Just don’t send me peas.
Send Good Swan Vibes my way and I will use the ancient swan telepathy passed down to me from a bog witch to redirect your sweet swan nothings to your nearest soulbonded swan.
Together, we can create a positive impact on the lives of these beautiful birds by just leaving them alone or offering your firstborn in exchange for a job in Boston after the inevitable swanvasion has ended.